Thoughts Prompted by My Mother…
Although I have shared some of this with my mother, she has not heard it in its entirety. So, here ya go Mom. You will be reading most of this for the first time. I dedicate this to you! I want to thank you for being such a special part of my life.
A couple of months ago, my mother made a comment to me that I believe God used to lead me down a path of reflection and self-examination. She said, “That’s what I love about you, you’ve always felt so comfortable in your own skin.” If you are in question as to what she meant, let me translate. “You’ve always felt comfortable just being yourself.” Hmmm….I thought to myself, is that what she sees in me? She gave me that, “I’m-so-proud-of- my-daughter-look” and hugged me. Silently, I questioned myself. Am I? And the dialogue in my head went something like this, “Well, I guess I feel comfortable being myself quite a bit of the time,” but in all honesty, I knew there were many times I did not. Why? I began to wrestle with this question almost daily. It was a nagging to my soul. God had my attention, but it was not quite time to “go there.” Christmas was approaching and following the holidays we would be celebrating Damon and Lindsey’s wedding with family and friends.
On our arrival home, it was as if God opened a door and said, “come and sit with me”…and that is what I did. Well, it wasn’t always sitting per se. Sometimes, my solitude with Jesus came while I was painting the new bright colors on Ellie and Carly’s bedroom walls…or while Vic and I sat on the couch having “heart to hearts”…or while I was reading my Bible and praying…or while I was unpacking and cleaning. In all these moments I experienced God. I experienced solitude. Little did I know that the Author of my faith was writing a paragraph in my story that would change my life. The best way to describe this healing is like this: it has been like sitting under the warm afternoon sun on a beautiful and colorful spring day. In fact, that is what I did this todayJ. It is well with my soul. Even as I write, I take a deep breath, a sigh of relief, and I am filled with gratitude to the One who created me.
In these times of solitude, God revealed to me that all too often I have entrusted my heart to people before entrusting it to God. This is something He brought to my attention 3 ½ years ago when we first come on staff with Campus Crusade for Christ. Prior to that I thought I “had been there done that” and that I had let go of “people pleasing” and, that the fears relating to this had all dissipated. God in His infinite wisdom, created an opportunity for Vic and I to grow in ways only He knew we needed.
The last few years have been filled with the beauty of new and deepened relationships, new adventures, new schedules, new challenges and constant reminders of God’s faithfulness. You, as readers, might think that in all this, I would respond with a hearty “Amen”, telling you all how much I have grown in my trust of our heavenly Father, or how much I have trusted Him through and through. The truth is, I have not. I have experienced more fear since coming on staff with Campus Crusade for Christ than almost any other time in my life (with the exception of those junior high years). I wonder, asking myself this question, “How often have my choices/decisions and countenance been motivated by people pleasing, obligation, shoulds, fear , God pleasing and the like, as opposed to being motivated by a reckless abandon to be in love with Jesus in all I say or do? There is a difference between the two. If I live my life in such a way as the first part of the previous sentence, I can make a lot of “good choices” and “do good things”, but in the end, I have experienced quite a bit of fruitlessness and emptiness in such living. It is not that all my life with Christ has been this way, but if I’m truly honest with myself quite a bit. Furthermore, following this path robs me, and others around me, of the joy of truly experiencing God. It is like living in “quality control” rather than just letting God be the Controller.
All my life I have wanted to do things well and I was raised with a good work ethic. There is obviously nothing wrong with that. It is God’s desire we give our all to the responsibilities given us and to live with integrity. However, in having a bent towards people pleasing etc, when I became a follower of Christ in college, I wanted to “do it all right” and live the “good Christian life”, and reach the Christian benchmarks of maturity (whatever that means) so-to-speak.. In my skewed views of God, and even the Christian faith, this left little room for failure or a spirit of adventure, just like every other time in my life, and I figured that I must maintain my good standing with God “or else”. So even in this walk with Jesus, one I came into by faith, I began “working my way into good standing” or “desired to stay in good standing” with God on a regular basis.
In the last couple of years, God has been showing me much in His word. One is this…my behavior good or bad, will never satisfy God. It is the blood of Christ and that alone that satisfies God. His love for me is not based on what I “do”. If that were the case, then it would infer that He loved me less when I first became a Christian, because of course I had not yet “done” anything in the name of Jesus…and that now He loves me more because I’ve had 16 years on my Christian resume.
In His word, God has been refreshing my heart with the following truths….that God delights in me and I am precious and holy in His sight Ephesians 1:4. I am a friend of Jesus, John 15:15. I have been accepted by Christ Romans 15:7. I have been called a saint 1Cor 1:2, Eph 1”1, Phil 1:1, Col 1:2. I have been set free in Christ Gal 5:1. I am a new Creature in Christ 2 Cor 5:17. I have become the righteousness of God in Christ 2 Corinth. 5:21. I am fearfully and wonderfully made Psalm 139. I am His workmanship Eph 2:10 and I am being conformed to His image Romans 8:29. I have future and a hope Jer 29:11 I have been given a spirit of power, of love and self-discipline not a spirit of timidity 2Tim1:7….and on and on I could go in the scriptures He is illuminating in my heart. As I have come to know God more intimately and believe what He says about me, freedom in my heart swells up like a river and it seems as though trusting my Creator has taken on a new meaning than what it did two or three years ago. Out of love for God, not fear, people pleasing, obligation, or trying to maintain good standing with God, I long to serve, encourage, comfort, build up, forgive, and love all others unconditionally in a whole new way.
I have decided to take a “break” from Christian talk radio and reading any books that advocate “this” or “that” way of parenting, how to educate ones child and yes, even on the subject of marriage. This is not because I do not believe God uses people through radio and books. He does. He has used them in my life and will again in the future I am sure. It is a decision based upon what God has revealed to me in my own life…a weakness and propensity to many times think other people are more godly or spiritual…to entrust my heart more to people than to first trust God…rather than really believing God loves me as much as He says He does, and trust that He will actually speak to me… having a reckless abandon…passion and trust, knowing Him more personally, listening to His voice and the voice of my husband. Wow, that was a run-on sentence, please bear with meJ!
What is happening is that God is bringing me to a place of freedom I have not yet fully known. Isn’t that why Christ came? Gal 5:1. For the first time, in a very, very, very long time, I think I am comfortable in “my own skin” as my mom would say. The new skin God has given me…the way God has created me…and I like how God has made me. I guess if He says all those things in the Word about me, and all His children, then it really is true…and not to believe it would be rejecting His truth and believing my own…which is what I have done all too often in my life. Rather, my passion is to be recklessly abandoned to Him and the truth of His Word…and to be in love with Him…He who redeemed my life.
Lately, I’ve been praying the prayer the apostle Paul prayed for the Philippians 1:9-11: “And this is my prayer: that your love may abound more and more in knowledge and depth of insight, so that you may be able to discern what is best and may be pure and blameless until the day of Christ, filled with the fruit of righteousness that comes through Jesus Christ—to the glory and praise of God.” I pray this for Vic as he leads two Bible studies each week, meets with several men one-on-one going through God’s word, for our times of study with other couples and when he counsels people in crisis. I also pray this for myself as I too meet with a few women each week. In praying this, I am trusting a good God in heaven to lead me/us into a deeper relationship with Him, One whose love is unparalleled and permeates the entire fabric of our lives.
Love,
Monique
Right now the wind is intense here in the San Juans, our first blast of the year. Fortunately it is blowing in from the south, not as cold as a northeaster. Still, wind is an interesting work of God.
